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i'd be lying

Veronica Rosewater

[Content Warnings: Self-harm, Suicide]

people aren’t mean to me
but I think they should be.
people think i'm cheerful and sweet
so they wave at me in the darkly lit street

i’m my own bully
and i’d be lying if i said i didn’t sully
my own self esteem, cowering behind
the thick orange rind

i call my skin
and i’d be lying if i said i didn’t grin
when i pictured a knife
slicing the orange purely out of strife

until the rind is gone
it laying in a box on the lawn
waiting, waiting for its time to end
i’d be lying if i didn’t want that to be me, my friend

but i’d be the biggest liar in the room
if i said i sliced myself into a tomb
i'm not that person
i know that the pain would worsen

i know that it’s not the answer
but my thoughts are as sick as cancer
i know it’s bad
i know it would make my loved ones sad

i know, i know, i f-cking know
i know how selfish it is to throw
my life away
i can only live for today

but i still don’t like her
the girl born in september
i wish i felt differently
because she’s, incidentally

the one person i truly understand
the one person i want to hold my hand

but i hate who she- i have become
and i’d be lying if i didn’t want to make that feeling numb

but what can i do?
i’d be lying if i said i knew.


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